No Safe Place
by lemacd
Summary: This is the story of what happened b/w Maria and the Captain when a fanfiction writer gets in a really pissy mood and has too much time on her hands. Not a happy ending, sorry. Feel free to write a review and tell me how much you hate it.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: not mine, don't own, blah blah blah**

**Author's note: If you are a sucker for the romantic awesomeness that is TSOM, you are going to hate this. I don't mind if you do, just leave a review telling me so. It's ok, really. I'm still not sure I like it.**

**And this is totally AU… I don't know why you have to say that when it become pretty obvious after a few paragraphs, but I'm still trying to get a handle on this fanfic world. **

No Safe Place

It could easily be considered the single worst day since she arrived at the Von Trapp villa, made even more so by the fact that the days preceding had proven to be so glorious. Maria had to admit that she did her part to make the start of her relationship with her employer rocky, but with the Lord's help she had seen him change into a kind man and loving father. He indulged the children's newfound love of music and even bent his own strict rules once or twice.

The children had informed Maria only yesterday that it was the anniversary of the beloved Agathe Von Trapp, wife to the Captain, mother to their seven beautiful children. It was her death that drove him to the brink, the reason he pushed the children away and hid himself away from anyone who would remind him of her.

The Baroness chose this day to wisely return to her Vienna home for a couple of days to remain away from the Captain's foul mood and Max made plans to be as scarce as possible. Even Frau Schmidt took Maria aside to warn her of what to expect.

"It is never a good day," she explained. "If we're lucky he will hole himself up in that office of his. I suggest you and the children stay away from him as much as possible. It might be a good day for one of your mountain excursions."

"Haven't you noticed a change in him the last few days? Maybe it will be different this year," Maria suggested with hope.

"I wouldn't count on it, Maria," she replied very seriously. "I can already sense him starting to brood. Please don't take this the wrong way, dear, but you have a way of testing people. And while we have grown somewhat accustomed to it, if there ever was a time for you to control that, tomorrow would be that time."

Maria wished dearly that she had tried harder to be good. And she had every intention of leaving the Captain alone with his grief, but she hadn't counted on the seven sad faces greeting her so early in the morning. In her mind it wasn't right that the children were forbidden to even talk about their own mother. So at breakfast that very morning she disregarded everything Frau Schmidt and the children had told her and boldly asked the Captain to take the children to their mother's grave to place some flowers.

At first he simply turned down her request, but she didn't let it go. She proceeded to list all the reasons it was necessary for the children to spend the day remembering their mother instead of trying so hard to forget. After breakfast the tortured discussion became a full blown argument. It finally ended when the Captain spun on his heels after entering his study and slammed the door in Maria's face.

Afterwards, Maria found the children huddled on the terrace. They wouldn't look at her when she joined them. That was when she knew she really went too far.

"We really wish you hadn't pushed Father, Fraulein Maria," Leisl said. "We warned you this was not a good day for him."

"You're right," Maria answered apologetically. "I should have listened to you. I'm sorry I made things worse." The children remained silent. "You know, I understand what it is like to lose your mother. It always made me feel better to remember my parents. Visiting their gravestones was something I actually looked forward to every year. I just thought it was a good idea."

"We know you meant well," Friedrich sighed. "If it is all the same to you, however, we'd like to be alone today." Maria felt her heart sink. She didn't mean to hurt them. That's the problem with me, she scolded herself. I never mean any of it and yet it always goes bad.

"Of course, children," Maria forced a smile. "I'll check on you before lunch. I truly am sorry." The children filed past her. Leisl stopped and gave her an affectionate look.

"We forgive you, Fraulein Maria," she said quietly. "We miss our mother terribly, but I think we are just feeling a little guilty, too, because we've come to love you almost as much as we loved her."

"Thank you for that, Leisl," Maria answered humbly. "I love all of you, too." She watched them slowly and mournfully wander the grounds for a while before retreating to her bedroom. She dropped to the floor by her bed and silently prayed for every member of the household. She held a small cross that hung around her neck to her lips as she prayed for peace and comfort on this saddest of days.

Maria felt bad when the Captain did not appear for lunch and then again at dinner. She was assured that it was to be expected given the particular day, but she couldn't help but believe her provocations that morning were partially to blame. After tucking the youngest children in for the night, she decided she needed to make peace with him before she herself could go to bed or sleep would be impossible. She made her way to his study door only to be stopped short by the sight of someone else pacing back and forth.

"Leisl, you should be getting ready for bed," Maria whispered as she drew closer. The young woman jumped slightly at the sound of her name. Her look of guilt melted into concern as she turned back toward the door.

"I only wanted to check on him and make sure he is alright," Leisl explained. "But I lost my nerve."

"I guess I had the same idea. I'm sure everything is fine," Maria reassured her. She tapped lightly on the office door, but there was no answer. She knocked harder and the latch came loose and the door swung open halfway.

Maria took a slow quiet step inside. The only light in the room was a small fire burning itself out in the fireplace. She looked around the room and finally spotted the Captain slumped in an overstuffed chair. His hair was disheveled and his shirt halfway unbuttoned. His face was twisted and contorted and yet completely unfocused. His bloodshot eyes stared seven miles away through the walls.

He didn't acknowledge Maria's presence. She was unsure if that was because he was unwilling or unable. As she approached him, she could smell a day's worth of drinking.

"Captain," she called to him quietly. He flinched at the sound of her voice, but he didn't turn his eyes to look at her. A small glass slipped from his loose fingers and hit the floor with a dull thud. Maria quickly returned to the door and told Leisl that her father was fine and had fallen asleep. The girl gave a sigh of relief, and wished the governess goodnight.

As soon as Leisl was out of sight and earshot, Maria went back inside the room and tried to decide her next move. She wasn't totally unfamiliar with the present situation. She helped her uncle many nights after an evening spent in the local taverns with his friends. The Captain, however, was not her uncle and it was not really her place to do anything. Still, she couldn't leave him like he was.

"Captain, I think we need to get you to bed now," she said softly. She reached for an arm to help him up, but he pulled it back with a grunt. "Please, you'll feel better if you sleep in your own bed." Finally he turned his face to her. His eyes widened and a strange look spread across his face.

"Oh, hello! It's you," he said almost happily, his speech slurred and thick.

"Yes, it's me," she answered, thinking it strange that he would be so happy to see her. "Can you stand up?"

"Oh, my darling Agathe… I've been wondering where you went."

That explains it, Maria thought sadly. He thinks I'm her.


	2. Chapter 2

"Please, Captain, try and stand up. I'll help you walk but I need you to stand up first."

"Sure, sure, darling… I'll come with you."

Maria ignored his words and focused on the task of helping him upright. He wobbled at first, but she slung his arm around her shoulders and helped him take a few steps.

"Take it easy, Captain. If you fall down, I can't pick you back up." She wrapped her arm around his waist, pushing and pulling him forward toward the door. "Now, we need to be quiet, sir. We don't want to wake the children."

"Shhh!" he said loudly, putting a finger to her lips. "Mustn't wake the children." Maria pulled his finger away from her face and nodded, urging him to continue. "Agathe, my love? Why do we have so many children?"

"We can talk about that some other time, Captain. Let's just focus on walking, shall we?"

"I love them, but… there's so many of them!" He laughed at himself.

She was glad he was in a pleasant mood, at least. Maria was so occupied with getting the ordeal over with that she didn't notice that he was becoming heavier to move or that leaning on her was becoming more intentional on his part. When they finally reached the door of his room, Maria released him and tried to lean him against the wall while she opened the door. She had hoped for the sake of propriety that she could just trust him to make it the rest of the way by himself, but just then his head dropped to his chest and she had to catch him before he fell to the floor.

"Ok, sir," she mumbled through gritted teeth. "We're almost there." He was draped most awkwardly around her shoulders, but it worked to get him moving forward. Finally she was able to drop him and he fell backward on his bed, his feet still hanging off the edge. He was a sorry sight. He managed to raise himself up on one elbow, laughing happily.

She knelt down to untie his shoes. She had to admit that the Captain was a charming fellow when he was in a good mood. It was just a shame that he had to be completely drunk to show it. She gave him a smile as she removed his shoes and lifted his feet to the bed. His face suddenly changed.

"Darling," he slurred. "Why did you leave me? I've missed you so much." It was a question full of pain. Maria imagined it was the question he used to torture himself for the last five years, the one unanswerable question that caused him to push away everything of his former life that reminded him of her. Perhaps, Maria thought to herself, if he got an answer he could move on. "Please, tell me why you went away?"

"I didn't want to go," she replied, playing along, hoping it would bring some kind of peace to his broken heart. "I didn't have a choice. But I didn't leave you alone, did I? I left seven pieces of me for you to have forever."

"Yes," he mumbled. "Yes, you did, didn't you?" His eyes were starting to drift again. Maria figured it was only seconds before he would pass out and probably forget the entire episode. She stood up and leaned over him to fix a pillow for his head.

"Goodnight, Captain," she whispered. As she turned to leave, she felt her skirt of her dress catch on something. She looked down to see the Captain's hand holding a fist full of the material. She tried to pry his fingers away. "Please, sir… you must let go. It's time for sleep."

"No," he said urgently. "No, I don't want you to go away again. It's been so lonely without you. Please stay."

"Let go, Captain," she repeated, trying to remain calm. He released her dress only to grab her by the arm and pull her to him. She stumbled forward and landed across his chest. She grabbed at the fingers that held her in a vice like grip but they wouldn't budge. The smell of alcohol on his breath mixed with her panic and made her nauseous.

"Please, Captain… you're hurting me," she pleaded. "Let me go." Instead, he pulled her to his face and kissed her with such force that it knocked the wind out of her. She pounded on him to get him to stop, her lungs screaming for air. He finally released her from the kiss, rolling her over his body onto the bed, pinning her with the weight of his body.

"Captain, it's me, Maria! Please… you've got to stop!" She struggled to push him away, begging him to stop as loud as she dared without waking the entire household. He didn't seem to hear a word she said. His lips covered her again. She fought to push his hands away from her but they were on her, roughly grabbing her and pulling her closer. Her frantic sense of fear turned to terror when she heard the sound of her dress being torn. She reached for his face and dug her nails into his cheeks as hard as she could. He released her as he howled out in pain. In seconds, Maria found herself flying down the hall to the safety of her own room, holding her torn dress with one hand and muffling her sobs with the other.

She closed her door and quickly turned the lock. She backed away from the door as if he would burst in after her at any moment. The only sound she could hear was the pounding of her heart against her chest. She felt very cold and couldn't stop shaking.

Maria willed her legs to walk to her bathroom. She turned on the water, scooping handfuls into her mouth to get rid of the taste of scotch. The smell of it was still heavy on her skin and in her hair. She quickly started the shower and shed the ruined dress, tossing it into a corner. Maria let the hot water soak her hair and run down her face and body, washing away his touch and her tears.


	3. Chapter 3

Captain Von Trapp woke to a searing pain across the left side of his face. He sat up slowly and tried to open his eyes, wondering when someone moved the sun into his room. He looked around and tried to remember anything. He couldn't even recall how he got there. He let his feet flop over the side of the bed and tried to stand up, but his stomach started to flip and he sat back down. He suddenly felt very thirsty.

He was more successful the second time he tried to get to his feet and slowly made his way to the bathroom. As he reached for a glass to get some water, he realized one of his hands was clenched into a fist. He opened it and a flash of gold fell to the counter. Picking it up, he recognized it at once. It was a small cross hanging on a broken chain and it belonged to Fraulein Maria. How on earth did it end up in his hand? There was still an imprint in his palm where he had held on to it so tightly all night long. There could be a perfectly logical explanation, he told himself, but deep down he had a very bad feeling.

Confused, he straightened up and looked in the mirror. He tried to recognize himself in the reflection that stared back. He saw dried blood smeared down his face. Looking closer he could see scratch marks under his eye. He couldn't remember a thing about the night before, but he kept finding evidence that whatever did happen was not good. No matter how many scenarios he could devise to explain why he had her necklace and these scratches, he kept coming to the same conclusion.

His stomach sank. This is why I go away, his voice screamed inside his head. It's bad enough that I alienate everyone I love when I'm sober. The potential for damage when I'm drunk is tenfold. He angrily tore his close off his body and made a mental note to tell Franz to just burn them. He got into the shower and turned on the water. A cold blast hit him, erasing the last dregs of his stupor.

He had hoped the dining room would be empty by the time he came downstairs searching for strong coffee and a bit of toast to settle his stomach. Instead he found Max still seated, a newspaper balanced on the table while he spread jam on something. Franz was beginning to clear what the family left behind.

"Good Morning, Georg," Max greeted much too cheerfully for the Captain's frame of mind. "From the looks of you, I'd say we both had a very late night. I remember mine, though. I would venture to guess that you would draw a complete blank about yours."

"Yes, well…" The Captain started to answer but discovered that it was harder to form words than usual.

"My evening started out at the most dreadful party but picked up considerably when I stopped off for a drink and found a card game," he mused, his eyes never leaving the Captain.

"I trust you didn't lose too much," he mumbled.

"I broke even," Max replied, "Eventually. Took me awhile, but I managed. I got in quite late as a result. Quite late." His tone was full of implication, causing his friend to look up. Max nodded his head toward Franz.

"Franz, I think this can wait until later." The butler nodded and made his exit quickly.

"So, Max," Georg sighed, taking a seat across the table. "You aren't usually as eager to talk about your card games unless you've won a small fortune. If you have another point to make, I suggest you make it."

"Well, when I let myself in I decided I would fix myself a night cap. Naturally I went where I knew you kept the best scotch."

"Naturally," Georg felt his head pound. He brought both hands to his temples and started rubbing.

"Nothing but empty bottles there, by the way. Someone must have drunk it all."

"Max, please..."

"Anyway, I was surprised to find the light on in your study. I went in expecting to find you, but you weren't there. Imagine my surprise to find your governess in your study on her hands and knees at that late hour." He paused. Georg brought his hands down and stared.

"Fraulein Maria? She was in my study?"

"Yes. I tried to make my presence known gently but I still scared the poor girl. She nearly screamed and became a puddle of tears, though to be fair to myself, I think she was crying before I arrived. She said she lost something and thought it might be in there. Very strange, don't you think?" His tone was becoming more serious. Georg became stony silent.

"Anyway," Max continued, his arms folded over his chest. "I tried to comfort the poor thing which took some doing. She finally told me what happened. It seems that a mutual friend of ours was discovered completely inebriated and she took pity and tried to help him. That was when he mistook her for his dead wife."

"Oh, God…" Georg cursed under his breath, dropping his head into his hands. "Max, what happened to Maria?"

"Maybe you didn't hear what I said, friend. _You thought she was your wife,"_ Max repeated with more than a hint of accusation. "Maybe I'll just let the scratches on your face tell you the rest of the story." Georg touched the cuts on his face. His earlier suspicions were true. He wanted to vomit.

"Max… is she hurt? I mean, what did…," he couldn't finish the question. Please, God! Don't let this be happening.

"She's not hurt, not like you mean. She's terrified, but her claws kept you from making a horrible mistake, Georg." Max leaned forward in his seat and lowered his voice. "I shouldn't have left you alone yesterday of all days. Not with fully stocked liquor cabinets and a house full of children and a woman who can't seem to stop trying to save you."

"I need to talk to her," The Captain stood up, pleading with his friend. "But I don't know what I could possible say. What am I going to do?"

"That I do not know," Max answered. "Not that it matters at this point. She is leaving, Georg, packing her bags as we speak. She said goodbye to the children after breakfast. Or did you think all this quietness is in honor of your bender? She is a remarkable woman. It is a very big pity that this happened because she was good to you and for you. I was starting to think I was getting my old friend back, but clearly that was wishful thinking."

"God forgive me," he whispered, choking on an overwhelming feeling of shame. Max sighed and stood up from his chair. He tucked his paper under his arm and walked slowly toward him.

"Do you want me to tell you how remarkable she is, Georg? She wasn't crying because of what you did to her. She blames herself as much as she blames you, if you can believe that. No, she informed me that when she came to check on you, she found Leisl standing outside your door about to go in. Maria sent her away. Georg, that could have been your own daughter you mistreated. You owe her more than an apology. That's twice now that she has saved your children from being utterly destroyed by you." Max turned and disappeared.

The Captain reached for a chair to steady himself. Max's final words cut deep. He kept telling himself that one day he would hit the bottom of this miserable grief, but he always believed that he would be the only one to suffer from it. If Maria told Max the truth, a huge tragedy had been avoided and yet he couldn't look at it that way. He knew he inflicted long lasting damage.

He needed to talk to her before she left.


	4. Chapter 4

As if she knew he was waiting, she appeared at his door. His heart sank at the look of her. She wasn't the same governess as the day before. There was no smile. Her eyes were tired and lacked her usual spirited joy. Even her skin seemed different… was she always so pale?

"Please, Fraulein… come in," he said, standing. "I have some things to say to you." She obeyed, but only with a few steps. She made no effort to sit or look him straight in the face.

"Captain, I…"

"Please, let me speak first," he interrupted. "I've been trying very hard to find the right words to say to you, but I don't think there really are any right words. You deserve better than excuses. What I did to you was inexcusable. I'm deeply ashamed of myself, Fraulein. I am very sorry that I hurt you." He heard his own words and cringed. It was pathetic. Maria swallowed and took a deep breath, running her fingers through her hair nervously.

"Thank you, Captain. I accept your apology."

He waited, but she didn't say another word. He wanted her to be angry with him. It wouldn't necessarily make him feel better, but her subdued manner and understanding made him feel even worse.

"I wish you would be angry with me. It's what I deserve. I should make you take a swing at me to make you feel better. I'd feel better." Maria finally looked at him, and there was a momentary flash in her eyes.

He walked around the desk and approached her.

"Please don't come closer," she said evenly.

"I only wanted to give this to you," he explained quickly. He dropped the cross in to her palm. She turned it over in her hands, inspecting the broken chain.

"Where did you find it?" She asked softly.

"I didn't find it, Fraulein… apparently, I took it, uh… it was in my hand when I woke up," he muttered. "I will have the chain fixed, of course, or replaced if needed. It's the least I can do."

"The least you can do…," she repeated slowly, her voice trailing off into her thoughts. Suddenly she flashed her eyes at him again and struck him across the face with her open hand. "You didn't just break a necklace or tear up a dress, sir. I don't have the years and experience in war that you do, but what little confidence and sense of self I had... you shredded all of it. I have never felt more humiliated and low about myself in all my life, Captain. There! Does that make you feel better?"

"No, it doesn't," he answered. "But it helps me understand how much I hurt you. I'm truly sorry, Fraulein. It seems that I have done nothing but repay your kindness with contempt from the moment you arrived. I need your forgiveness or I'll never be able to live with myself. As you know, living with myself is a pretty fragile state for me as it is."

Maria finally broke her steely glare. Her face and body fell as she dropped into a chair and lowered her eyes to her clenched hands.

"But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

"Fraulein?"

"I forgive you, Captain. Please forgive me. You are not entirely to blame. I put myself in the situation. In fact, I hold myself in the majority for blame, not you. I started that argument at breakfast. That's what I came to talk to you about, you see. I wanted to apologize for interfering. It wasn't my place." Maria wiped her eyes.

"It must have been a shock to find me as I was," the Captain said with embarrassment.

"You must remember that I didn't always live in a convent," she said with a wry laugh. "I always helped my uncle when he got that way. Maybe that is why I thought I should help you. I should have minded my own business. None of this would have happened."

"You should never apologize for being kind," he replied. He wondered if she even realized that if it weren't for her, he would be having a very different conversation with his own daughter. "You didn't do anything wrong and you certainly didn't cause what happened. That is on my head."

"What's done is done," Maria said with a cleansing sigh. "I guess the worse part is that everything has to end. I've already said goodbye to the children. I don't think they believed my reasons, but I couldn't be honest, could I? I only came here to tell you that I'm leaving." She stood up again, nodded her goodbye and headed toward the door.

"Please, wait," he implored. "I know I'm in no position to ask for anything from you, but please… stay. The children love you so much. They need you."

"And I love them, but I simply cannot stay, Captain. Not now. Thank you for letting me live in your world for a little while, but I'm really looking forward to returning to mine. Good bye."

And with that she was gone.

The End

**Author's note: I hate this ending, but like I said I'm in a totally pissy mood and sad and tragic work better when I'm in a pissy mood. I banged this sucker out so I wouldn't kill people… poor keyboard. Anyway, tell me you hate it too, I don't mind. **


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